Chapter 4 – Creating a safe space
It's time to practice together
Why these preparations first and what next?
There is a good reason to first do this exercise, and that is that women can sense if you own your talk or if you are talking in an artificially puffed up manly fashion. The latter is a major turn off for women.
So only if you are starting to belief that women can be slutty and appreciate that fact, then you can safely practice with and on them. Otherwise the threshold is too big and you will be discouraged if she doesn't feel you.
Now you can start to involve a practice (or life) partner, but not before you get vulnerable with yourself and her by practicing mutual consent and boundaries. Reason is that dirty talking coming from an insecure or unauthentic space is at best hilarious, worse it could be condescending and damaging.
Polarity
In intimacy the polarity is key. One receives and the other gives, one plants and the other grows, one does and the other is being done to. But if this play of polarity, including its boundaries, the wishes, actions and reactions are murky and unclear, then things can get boring, messy or even very ugly in the bedroom.
To avoid this the one in the lead will have to be very clear about his wishes and will have to demand the same clarity from his partner. When he builds a safe container with clear agreements then anything goes within that space. Paradoxically agreements are needed to create freedom.
A great tool is the wheel of consent, created by Betty Martin. It shows that when one (let’s assume it’s the man) is taking the other, ravishing her, using her for his own pleasure, the other one can only do this if she allows herself to be taken. She is giving the gift of herself.
This takes surrender from her and integrity from him. If the man lacks integrity he will either suppress, ignore or hide his desire to Take her and he covertly moves into the Give space, for instance offering her a massage, where he actually wants to feel her up.
This creates confusion, when she was ready to be taken, ravished, fondled or felt up, as both parties are now in the Give space and no one is in the Receive space.
Same goes if the man offers her a massage, but moves in on her in an unclean space, greedy and needy, and she is expecting to receive a massage, as now both parties end up in the receiving space.
Another trapdoor is when one party is unclear on the intentions and the other unclear on the boundaries. In that case a covert, unconscious form of taking/allowing or giving/receiving takes place. It can still be pleasurable, yet it can be unhealthy, unclean and damaging at the same time.
Please go to her website before you continue. It's pretty vital to understand the dynamics: http://bettymartin.org/videos/
Questions?