Could be, could be not, each pair of balls is different. How about we go through the 10 surprising ways I found to reclaim my balls. No guarantees, and neither a fix-it-all. I still find myself handing my balls on a silver plate on a regular basis.
In the last decades women became independent, and no longer needed men for financial security or even procreation. On the other hand one can increasingly hear their complaints that the men have lost their balls. If you examine the world closely, you can notice how much men are being made fun of and how most duck and hide, only confirming the validity of the ridicule they receive.
So what has happened to modern men?
This can’t easily be explained, but when women took the role that men traditionally had, men were left with three options, either to out-masculine women to retain polarity (sexual attraction), stay the same and lose all polarity or become more feminine and reverse polarity.
I observe all three responses around me, I see men that go their own way and that stopped trying to maintain a meaningful relationship, men that have become their partner’s ‘girlfriend’, are completely available for all chit chat, and men that have become more feminine and caring, looking up to their partner; however, all three of the men, have something in common. They have responded to the new situation, either retreat or please, rather than to keep setting their own course and invite women in their lives. By becoming the effect, rather than the cause they have lost a sense of direction and grounding.
What can be done about the complaint from women and this loss of identity and direction by men?
Integrated Male has developed tools for men to find anew their value in the 21st century. Tools that will guide you to find out what it is to be an integrated male, in touch with his feelings yet grounded, stable and supportive. Neither nice guy, nor asshole. A man that works with other men, carries his load and has a sense of direction and purpose, based on what he wants, and no longer as a reaction to what other people or society imposes on him.
Basically, by reclaiming his balls. Not as an act of oppression, and neither an act of going one’s own way. It’s simply taking responsibility, while staying connected with oneself and others.
How? Below I will outline 10 tips that can guide you in this process.
It sounds a bit paradoxical, because I am giving you tips on how to change, but bear with me. An old belief that many of us have, whether we are aware of it or not, is that we are not good enough. This was imprinted on us as young children, when our needs were not met, or when punished or rejected.
If you would take the other 9 tips to improve yourself it would just enforce this belief. Therefore, it’s important to realize this: These 10 tips are aimed at showing you what you want and what you believe, and the only behaviour you need to change is getting more awareness on why you do the things you do.
To check your motive, just stop yourself in your tracks and verify the following: “Am I changing my behaviour because I want to accommodate others, or do I do this because it will improve my life?”.
The awareness of why you do the things you do, is the most important step. Awareness will already effectuate changes, slowly but surely, as unconscious patterns will be revealed and reassessed.
There is a great difference between kindness and niceness. Niceness is pleasing behaviour, ultimately aimed at getting something, like love, appreciation, approval. It’s what we as young boys have learned from our parents and teachers to not get into trouble. The result is that you are entering into a covert contract: If I am nice to you, you will give me a problem free life. Unfortunately, that is never the case and the fact that the other doesn’t keep his or her part of your contract can make you resentful and passive aggressive.
Being kind is an act of autonomy. It’s your choice to be kind and you don’t want anything in return. You choose to be kind is because it makes you feel good about yourself. As a result, you have no expectations and you will not develop any resentment if the other acts different than your expectations.
Dr. Robert Glover has written a great book about this topic called: “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. It shows why being nice is -in fact- not nice at all and then gives a lot of exercises to break free from the behaviour.
In my online courses I cover pleasing behaviour in great detail. I invite men to sniff their armpits; what are the motives? Is it to stop her from nagging? Is it because you expect something in return? This awareness will help you greatly in changing your behaviour.
There are several reasons why deliberately choosing your core values is so important. The first and most important reason is that these core values help you navigate through life. When emotions or setbacks almost overwhelm you, core values help you keep your eye on the long-term goals.
The second reason is that men tend to have strong opinions and defend these fiercely. Women usually don’t respond well to those opinions and might feel oppressed by them. They either respond by trying to emasculate you or they retreat. Both are detrimental to your relationship.
However, if you realize what underlying values you defend, you can choose to express the values you defend, rather than the resulting opinion.
A third reason is that some values require outside circumstances, and other are intrinsic. For instance, to be the best or to be loved, requires another. This makes you dependent on people and circumstances. If you can rephrase your value you can stop needing outside factors for your fulfilment. In this case you apparently find performance and love important. So, you can opt to choose to do your best and to love others.
To establish your core values, there are online tests. In my online courses, there will be an exercise that has worked for me. It limits the core values to 5 or 6 so it doesn’t get overwhelming.
Yes, integrity is a muscle that you can train, ok muscle is a metaphor, however it helps to show that integrity is not something static or fixed. It’s just like mindfulness an awareness skill that you can develop.
Why would you want to develop it? Biggest reason is that it gives you power, confidence and grounding when you act within integrity. Nobody can take integrity away from you, nobody can ridicule or emasculate you, nobody can shame you if you know that you act with integrity.
Here is my definition: “Integrity is doing the right thing no matter how others respond, based on a harmonious, complete and intact set of values, committed to the greater good”.
The first component is internal, awareness of your beliefs and values. Hence my suggestion to establish your core values.
The second component is external, the ability to act on your beliefs, no matter what others think or do.
The third component is social, being committed to the greater good. The greater good means that not only do you take your values into account but also the rights of the people you interact with.
These three components serve as a self-assessment tool, every time you doubt whether you act with integrity. Do I 1) act, based on 2) my values and not others, however 3) taking the rights of others into account.
If you can safely say yes to all three components you act with integrity.
This one I probably need to explain. Before the agricultural revolution some 10,000 years ago, humans lived in tribes where they hunted and gathered their food. They competed with neighbouring tribes for the scarce food that was available. This has created what we now call deprivation thinking. The idea that wealth is like a fixed pie, that needs to be divided.
This type of thinking is no longer relevant. Since the agricultural revolution we can create wealth, by cultivating crops, by specialising arts and crafts and by trading these products. When Elon Musk created PayPal, he did not take wealth away from others, but he created ways to pay efficiently for online services. He is entitled to get a big piece of the pie that he created.
Unfortunately, these beliefs are still omnipresent, and gaining momentum. An example is modern feminism; that believes that high position jobs are a limited in number and should be equally divided between genders. Fact of the matter is that high position jobs are the result of any individual’s willingness to work long hours and compete for dominance.
So, instead of thinking “how can I get my share?” or “how can I claim my right?”, start thinking: “how can I create value?” or “how can I assume responsibility?”. These questions will inevitably lead to creating a sense of ownership of your feelings, your worth and purpose in life.
Seeking your life’s purpose is not only needed to establish your self-worth and confidence, but it is also a cure against short term set-backs and immediate obstacles. Think of life as an ocean, think of your life’s purpose as a lighthouse in the distance and think of your core values as the stars that you navigate on. Now see yourself as the captain that has his eyes set on the lighthouse, rather than the waves that are incoming left and right.
Without the lighthouse, you would be tempted to keep looking at the waves and changing your course with each wave that hits the boat. But with the lighthouse you have a sense of direction that is not wavered regularly.
To me life’s purpose is a psychological tool to make me happy, perhaps there is a soul or higher self that has a plan with me, but for me it’s mostly a practice, I don’t want to make it into a truth.
How to find your life’s purpose is an art on its own, there are many tools and tests out there. But basically, I would recommend doing the thing you are good at, the thing that you like doing after breakfast and the thing that keeps you challenged and fulfilled at the end of the day.
In our pursuit of happiness, we tend to forget that every sense of fulfilment requires a sacrifice. Anything that is thrown in your lap will not complete you. Lottery winners are usually less happy than cancer survivors, research has shown, explains Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck.
So rather than focus on what you want, go for what you will give up. Will you give up free time so you can create wealth, will you give up security so you can find freedom, will you give up comfort, so you can become an athlete. These previous questions can be easily converted. Perhaps you want free time, freedom or comfort, and then you choose to give up your wealth, security or athleticism.
If you choose your sacrifice, the sacrifice become the goal and the fulfilment the by product. This has shown to work much better than the other way around. If you create a plan to improve your circumstances, write down the sacrifice and stick to that. There can be a great sense of achievement in that alone, and every side effect is just a bonus.
This might sound unloving, but it is more loving than being romantic. There are some serious flaws in romantic ideas, explained philosopher Alain de Botton. Firstly, it creates an idea that love should be effortless. Well it is not, arranged marriages turned out to have better survival and satisfaction rates that romance based marriages. Reason is that both partners know they should work in loving, respecting and supporting the other. In romantic relationships, the other is supposed to make me feel good, which it usually does for only a limited amount of times. When the hormonal high is over, the hard work starts.
So, what can we do as an alternative? Practice respecting the other, opening your heart and being grateful. Yes, these qualities can be trained, they are exercises that we can do daily. Meditation, prayer and physical exercises like Qi Gong and Yoga can help you generate a sense of love and connection with the other, but also a sense of clarity and healthy boundaries.
This is an obvious one, however I would like to emphasize how loving it is to respect your boundaries. It gives your partner, your friend or co-worker the opportunity to see where you are and what you appreciate and what you accept. This will create a sense of clarity and in fact is a gift from you to the other.
The alternative is hiding, conceding or pulling out, which is in fact very narcissistic and arrogant. Why? The subconscious reason to not show your boundaries could be that: “you want to retain a friendly relationship” (assuming the other will respond immaturely) “your problems are too unique to understand” (narcissistic belief), or “I don’t want to see the other upset” (assuming the other will not have the spine to conduct hurt feelings).
Every time you notice that people overstep your boundary, sniff your armpits, write down why you put up with it and see if it is in fact arrogant or narcissistic, and ultimately is an expression of fear.
All the above tips are completely useless if you don’t sniff your armpits and be completely honest with yourself. No one is free of bullshit and believing that your truth will stand the test of time is bullshit. Same goes for these 10 tips. I am sure that ten years from now, I will cringe, reading my bloated, self-aggrandising and brash advice.
That brings me to the second part of radical honesty, once you know you are full of bullshit, express that bullshit, in full honesty, with humour and a sense of relativity. According Dr Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty, it will release a lot of stress and can avoid a lot of stress related illnesses.
I hope the 10 tips will inspire you to see where you are not taking full responsibility for your life yet. Where you still hold on to the belief that things are happening to you and where you complain, blame or hide yourself. If you have become curious, I am happy to meet you again on this website. Here you will find several courses; some more light, such as “The Art of Dirty Talking”, some very practical, such as “The Art of Handling Fights and Drama”, and some very intense and challenging such as “Mental Bootcamp for Men”.