The Art of Dirty Talk

Things I wish somebody told me before

Chapter 3 - Our ideal sex life 

Stop censoring your wishes

Looking at our sex life

What made me horny was not what I expressed or endeavoured. Like many other people I didn't dare to wish for something, because it might not come true. It took me the coming exercises to see how much I self censored. Nowadays I see two reasons for this self-harming practice of self-censorship. The first one is the fear of failure and the second is the attachment to outcome.

Fear of Failure
Let's dig into our psyche. When I ask would you if you wished no more climate change or wars, or you want to save the rain forest and rising sea levels, you would not doubt and say yes, right?

Now if I would ask you if you would want to improve the relationship with your family, or have more fun in the workplace you might already start to hesitate and perhaps even object, as you know you family members and boss and they are stuck in their ways.

When I would get even more up close and personal, like do you want to find a girl that adores you or a sex life that meets all your kinks and naughty fantasies, you start to resign in the fact that things are the way they are.

Do you notice that the impersonal wishes are probably equally feasible or unfeasible, but you still feel free to wish for them? My theory is that the wishes that are more personal, result in that failure becomes more personal too. That feeling of personal failure sucks, but the only way to achieve something is to wish, act, fail, keep wishing, keep acting, keep failing and then succeed at some point (or not and accept that and go back to the drawing board).

Attachment to outcome
Now imagine your wish to be a certain outcome, which means that success is measured not by your efforts, but by results, which in almost all cases require some outside agents, that are not under your control, right? This puts a big barrier up for wishing it in the first place. Let me give you an example. If I wish to work every day for ten minutes on becoming comfortable with speaking my mind, and the result is that I start to speak my mind, attract women and end up having the sex life I wished for, I was never daunted by the task. However if my aim was to get the sex life I want, and I would start doing that by getting comfortable to speak my mind, I would need 1) to break down the task in manageable tasks, in order not to be overwhelmed, and 2) need the cooperation of a bed partner to achieve my goal. That sets me up for being needy towards most potential bed partners.

In the further process of learning to Talk Dirty I therefore propose two rules:

1) You will fail inevitably. So stop judging yourself for the outcome and start appreciating yourself for the effort.
2) You cannot control circumstances. So formulate your goals as personal effort and not as results.

Ad 1). Realise that not doing the effort is pretty lame, whereas doing the effort is brave. Circumstances plus effort will determine the outcome, and only one of those two you can control. For instance being rejected are circumstances, and not under your control: she might have different kinks or she might not be into you, nothing personal.

Ad 2). If you set your goals as: "I want to feel more comfortable when I talk to a girl" you can control it. If you set your goals as: "I want talk girls into the bedroom" you will depend on circumstances and setting yourself up for (your own definition of) failure.

Hmmm.. I see a paradox...
On the one hand you ask me to wish big and not censor it and on the other hand you want me to not be attached to the outcome of what I wish, and just go for steps that don't require the outside world. Yet I want a great sex life with more than just me! As with all paradoxes, they are seeming contradictions and not real opposites.

Because wanting something big is not the same as setting goals. Wanting something is creating the impulse to take a certain decision, such as becoming comfortable with dirty talk. Then the next step is to break it down into achievable goals that don't set an desired outcome or require others to cooperate with you, such as doing this course (instead of becoming a perfect dirty talker) and doing the exercises (rather than nailing the exercises), asking people to help you do the exercises (rather than finding someone to help you) etc.

Your flavour 
Now we have covered how you look at others in the last section and why it's OK to wish for yourself, it’s time to start looking at yourself without taking others into account. What would you want and need if there will no limitations, consequences or obstacles? What is your flavour?

Any time feel that there is little resistance to seeing women and sexually open en adventurous creatures I want you take a notebook or an iPad and write down what would YOUR ideal sex life look like? Really. Spell it out. In great detail. Don’t censor yourself. It's not about the others, it's about your wishes, desires, kinks and fetishes.

Remember, the most authentic dirty talk is the dirty talk that get YOU horny!

Exercise 3 – Write down your ideal sex life

It takes one to know one

Imperative is not to censor your desires, because they might not be met. So go overboard, describe how you want to have sex, with how many people, how often and what it would make you feel. The latter is important, feelings will be remembered, far more than facts. Write down some of your fantasies and don’t hold back.

Don't cater to the others' needs

Mark Manson in his book Models shared something profound, which I will paraphrase here. He said men tend to cater to the others' needs and adjust themselves, however if you stop doing that, find your flavour, you will start to attract women that are into that flavour. I fully agree.

And if you get to know your personal kinks, fetishes, fantasies and desires, and subsequently start to own them, you might start to notice women out there that are tuned into the same vibe...

Now get a pen and paper and write down what you want to give, receive, take and allow to happen. What is your flavour? Rough? Tender? Dominant? Submissive? Switch? Slow? Speedy? Romantic? Animistic?

Enjoy the process. It's fun to own your sexuality!

End of Chapter 3

In the next chapter it will become sexual...






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