Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable
I have always been a nice guy, being taught to treat women with respect. It was an absolute shock for me when I was challenged to ‘fuck talk’. I had always mumbled something romantic while looking my partner in the eyes, but the effect was at best funny and at worst pathetic.
Then I was showed what was meant with fuck talking and it didn’t resemble anything I heard before, he held the woman and was repeating words like “horny, horny, horny” in her ear and uttering short rhythmic sounds like “uh, uh, uh”. But he surely did it convincingly and I noticed the effect on the women. They were mesmerized and clearly excited.
Later, I witnessed a friend, who has a background in BDSM, grabbing his girlfriend and counting down from 10 to 1, when arriving at 1 he shouted “Whoooore” in her ear and she visibly orgasmed. The only thing I though was: “Are you allowed to say this to your girlfriend?”, yet I realized that what I just witnessed was 100% consensual.
I don’t know where you guys are at, but when I started to investigate this art of dirty talk, or more aptly called fuck talk, I found out I was not the only one that believed I had to always speak softly and nicely to my partner. I furthermore discovered that many women are turned on by hearing naughty, dirty, nasty or even rancid bedroom talk.
I found out that to talk dirty was a way for your partner to escape her thinking mind with all its self-limitations, shame, guilt and fear. Once released, she was encouraged to be her slutty, horny self. And what I found out for myself is that talking dirty is very liberating. I can access my anger, my lust, my dominant side, but also my admiration, my appreciation for my partner much better. I can express what I want, what I observe, what I feel and I can get her to express her desires, live out her fantasies, and find her boundaries without her getting up in her head.
If you were like me and if you and your partner are not yet fully transparent and verbal in the bedroom, then I am happy to share my journey with you.
For one I noticed that verbally creating sexual tension didn't have to start in the bedroom or with my partner. I could meet someone on the street and practice it in a clean and safe way for the both of us. For me it was a great way to overcome my fear of rejection, while retaining my dignity.
While I was practicing these skills I noticed that getting someone horny with my words challenged many of my limiting beliefs, which improved a lot more aspects of my life; how I dated, how I had sex, and how I can keep the attraction and sexual tension alive in my relationship.
Are you ready? Let’s dive in!
Dirty talking to overcome limiting beliefs
So why was I unable to imagine that a woman would appreciate being called a dirty little slut? This has all to do with the infamous Madonna-Whore Complex. In psychoanalytic literature, the Madonna–whore complex is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship. First identified by Sigmund Freud, under the rubric of psychic impotence, this psychological complex is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes.
Not only in literature can this be found, but in common sayings too. For instance in Italy there is an expression that says: “the one you fuck, and the one you marry”.
It demonstrates that men have put women in two categories: the sexual objects and the mother figures. This has to do with our upbringing, we have been raised by women and depended on them for survival. We had women to comfort us and to feed us. In return we were nice to mommy and protected their feelings, to make sure she didn't get upset.
Only during our adolescence, when we became sexually interested, a new purpose of women was discovered. And subliminally we have separated these two purposes in two different categories of women. But fact of the matter is that strippers can be mothers and mothers can be sexually active, in real life there is just one category; women.
I had an older sister and an emotionally fragile, yet strong and independent mother, who didn't accept any talk back, and thus I came to fear women, disguised as 'respect'.
The consequence is that I could only the women in my life as saintly figures, or -similar- fragile puppets whose feelings you want to protect. Only the women that you meet casually can still be the sluts that you can have dirty sex with.
As a consequence I started start off sexually, but when I subsequently moved in together, or felt invested in her, I suddenly can’t see that slutty babe anymore, and instead I put her on a pedestal, and made this saintly figure/fragile puppet out of her, right next to my mother (which she subliminally is replacing, according Freud). And all that desire and sexual tension disappears.
What’s wrong with this admiration, you might think? Well, when I put her on a pedestal, I was making a big mistake. Firstly she has never asked for it and secondly I had set her up for inevitably falling off that pedestal. She is now expected to behave saintly, pristine or pure. This admiration she may enjoy for a couple of months, but after that, she wants to go back to expressing her sexuality without inhibitions and and without being compared to some saintly benchmark. She wants to let her hair all the way down. Which means she wants to cut loose sexually.
On the surface she might want to be admired and curtained by your unrealistic expectations, but deep down inside she starts to wither. Her raw sexuality is now locked down by centuries of social expectations. And with that we miss out on all the fun that we could have. Not feeling supported in her own sexuality, she can’t have sex with me in the horny ways she really wants to. She subconsciously knows I’ll judge her for being sexually free – because a real lady doesn’t let go like that.
And let’s face it, even when I would have just met her on Tinder, she is already trapped by thousands of years of shame, guilt and social expectations to be a nice girl. Only if I unlock her raw sexuality, show her what you like about her and what you would like to do with her she can feel safe and let go, knowing you will not judge her.
I could instinctively see what liberty could be ahead of me and my partner if I dislodge this old belief system and start to speak from a place that is free of social conditioning...
But thousands of years of social conditioning and male sexual oppression cannot be overturned by becoming aware of its existence. There was work to be done, and I will share my journey this step by step.
The first step was to start to see all women, including my mother and sister, as sexual creatures, and stop making a distinction between the one I am invested in and the one I seduce.
To destroy limiting beliefs I told myself out loud until they no longer felt awkward or alien to me, in front of the mirror. It feels awkward at first, but staying silent didn't work, did it?
• “women don't need me to protect their feelings.”
• “women love horny sex.”
• “women are having sex – with or without me – regardless of what I think of sex.“
In the next chapter we will take it to the streets